Joie de Vivre

A proper perspective is an important part of dealing with life. Understanding other people’s perspective helps us to understand them. Being able to articulate our own perspective of things helps others know where we’re coming from. It even aids us in understanding ourselves better, too.

In another post about Gratitude, I shared a drawing that I have often referred to that reminds me to think: which side of the bus am I on? Am I focusing on the positive or the negative? Because every situation has both. A Negative Nancy can find negativity in anything. Likewise, a Positive Polly can always find the silver lining. The ironic thing is that both of these personas ride the same bus en route to the same destination.

Now, I can hear some of you Negative Nancys out there saying, “At least I’m realistic! Positive Polly is all sunshine and rainbows and ignores reality!” Not necessarily. Yes, there are some people who take either extreme too far. I’m not suggesting you or I live our lives with the proverbial rose-colored glasses on while ignoring reality. I’m saying: Look. At. Reality. and choose which side of the bus you’re going to sit on. You’re not ignoring the existence of the dark wall of rock on the other side; you’re just choosing not to focus your attention there.

I think this is the most fundamental question we can ask ourselves. Once we have decided through what lens we will be viewing our situation, then we can begin to hash out our actual viewpoint.

We always need to consider a proper perspective on one of at least two things: on people or on our situation.

If it’s a particular situation, then it’s more cut and dry: it’s either completely out of my control, or there is something about it that is within my control. If there’s something I can control, then what is my best response for the best possible outcome?

Pro tip: this requires thinking outside of an emotional response. I’m not saying emotions are bad, I’m just choosing to not be ruled by them.

For example, when our youngest was a senior in high school, he was Commander of the entire battalion at JROTC, he was the Raider Commander (which was a huge responsibility in the fall) and he was President of a large service club that included all of middle school and high school – hundreds of homeschooled students. He was also barely a 17 year old BOY, so admittedly, his communication skills weren’t completely honed. I know: shocker.

Now, the kid was stellar when it came to peer-on-peer communication to meet a need or address an issue, and he was honestly quite compelling if he was running a meeting or speaking to a group (his momma wasn’t the only one crying during his speech at Military Ball). What he was not accustomed to at the time was communicating well with the adults in what he was doing, planning, etc. He spoke clearly and plainly with adults, I just mean he wouldn’t think to include them in the conversation when he was making his plans, and this burned him a few times. Now, his Colonel (a retired Colonel from the Army who ran the JROTC program) saw this as his primary weakness, and spent the year working on it with him. But instead of teaching him how to communicate with his superiors, the moms (it was really just one) that were the overseers to the service club instead assailed him over a group text for not communicating well.

I was on that group text as well, and if I had responded solely in my emotion, I would have shred her into a million pieces. They don’t call us momma bear for nothing. But instead, after my initial response to that group text to shut it all down to protect my child from further harm (he was receiving the texts too while he was in class), I waited until I could compose my thoughts and sit down with the head administrator (who knows me very well) and explain our view of things. Rationally. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t passionate about my thoughts, but I was controlled. Fortunately, I was talking to a woman who was not defensive and was willing to hear me out.

I took a breath, took my time, and everything worked out so much better because I did what I could do. I couldn’t control my kid or his communication skills, and I couldn’t control the other moms in the group, but I could address the proper people and have my voice and his heard in a situation that, at a time when he was really just trying to figure it all out, could have crushed him. And I could do it in a way that promoted the best possible outcome rather than lashing out.

Sometimes we have no control over a situation. If there’s nothing I can control or affect, that’s still okay, but it comes down to the same question: what is my best response for the best possible outcome?

Example: The magazine I worked for shut down in 2023. I had zero control over my source of income at that moment. Granted, our home bills are not dependent upon my income, thankfully, but it was October – that is the thick middle of our birthday/anniversary/holiday season that starts with my birthday in September followed by our whole family’s birthdays, and ends with my husband’s in January, two weeks after Christmas. And y’all. We celebrate Christmas hard. 🎄 On top of that, this was the first year in over 20 that my husband was not going to get a Christmas bonus, so for the holidays, we really were quite dependent on my income. It was NOT a good time of year to lose my job.

The best response for me when all this was outside my control was to ask God for His help and then make some phone calls, hop on the internet, and look for an income replacement. For all my searching, God put together a situation/conversation that bloomed into the perfect job offer for me. ❤️ If panic had been a part of that, who knows how badly I could have jacked it up!

Both circumstances and relationships require discipline in that we do not respond while emotions are high; they will pass. Let them, and then think rationally to conclude.

People prove to be a little more complex.

I need to look more intently at my response to individuals, because there are many more factors at play: personalities, past experiences, possible trauma, coping mechanisms that were developed because of past trauma, etc. All these things contribute to another person’s perspective (and mine and yours, btw).

I’m not talking about psycho-analyzing everyone you or I have conflict with. But these factors play into the way and why of their actions and words.

I start by looking at me: What’s my motivation? If I’m motivated out of anger, fear, or bitterness, then I need an adjustment. I do not have a proper perspective. I probably need to move toward compassion, understanding, and love. Sometimes, getting before my Father and asking Him to deal with me is the only way I get to this place. I would like to say I do this every time, but I’m a work in progress, too, and can flub this up with the best of them.

The best way to get a more proper perspective is to 1) understand/adjust my motivation if needed, and then 2) inquire and listen to the other person’s perspective. We all naturally see things from our own perspective. An emotionally intelligent person will attempt to gather as much information as possible by understanding another’s viewpoint as well as their own before responding.

I can only do this from what I know, so it’s still faulty, but I at least attempt. Keep this in mind, though: I can only change my own perspective; I cannot change theirs. I just try to understand.

But how do I do that? I can’t peer into their heart or mind; only God can do that. As with just about anything that gets me and you out of autopilot and into purposefully looking at a problem: ask yourself questions.

What’s their background? Past relationships? Past experiences? What would contribute to their line of thinking (even if you disagree or wouldn’t have come to that conclusion!) I’m trying to understand them…not my version of them.

That coworker that seems short-tempered in her emails may have just been raised in a family of brothers and learned early on to just get to the point. Your difficult family member may have been neglected emotionally as a child, and now seems more emotionally needy or underdeveloped than you’d like. It can be a myriad of things. Understanding them (again – not necessarily agreeing with them or giving them an excuse for bad behavior) gives you and me a perspective that allows forgiveness when necessary and spoils the resentment that tries to set in.

If you aren’t sure where they’re coming from, get curious. Ask them questions. Not nosey questions; you don’t have to get super personal. But get them talking about their perspective without getting defensive (which always shuts down open communication). If they open up a stitch, you might be able to understand them a bit better. Most of the time, this intentional seeking out and understanding will help you diffuse any negative feelings you might have acquired in the process.

If I just can’t understand why they are reacting that way, I put myself in their shoes: what might cause ME to react that way? Maybe it doesn’t really have anything to do with me at all, and what I need to show is just plain GRACE for whatever their reason is.

Releasing the anger, fear, or resentment FREES ME. It frees you. Now joy can be its replacement (when we choose it) because you and I are free. Daily.

I wish this were as easy as it sounds…it certainly isn’t. But if it frees me to experience the joie de vivre, it’s far worth the effort.